The Crap Quotes

Warning: This post is rated PG-13 for language.

Language. Communication. Coaching. Teaching.
When one is coaching teenage boys, these four points listed above can become a challenge. Kids have well-honed BS meters; they know when an adult is being sincere and when they are blowing smoke at them. They want to hear the answers and they want confidence out of their leaders. They want to be taught the Wingbuster Defense with the confidence that there is no way the opponent can move the ball against it, even though, in reality, the coach has no idea if his hair-brained idea will actually work.
On this front, I can honestly say I learned a couple very important things about kids during my time as a coach:

• First, you have to earn respect.
• Second, you have to command respect.
• Third, you have to find a way to understand each other; let the kids be the kids and the coach be the coach.
• Fourth, kids want challenge, they want the discipline and limits, and most of all, they want direction.

Sometimes, in order to establish these four things, it meant crossing the line on proper and civil use of the English language. I probably spent way too much time over that line back in the day. Probably a mistake, but what the heck, it was me. Anyway, it was all about speaking simply and in a manner that commanded their attention day in and day out. Like I used to say, “I wouldn’t survive a week in France speaking Portuguese all day.”
A few weeks ago, I started thinking about the stupid things I used to say. I realized many of those stupid things contained the word “crap”, or various, increasingly vulgar derivatives of the word. So, here is a small list of some of the stupid (and sometimes stupid-funny) things I’ve said in the past containing “crap”. And, contrary to the opinion of one ex-athlete, who upon learning I was making this list, this is not going to be novel length work.

The Crap Quotes

“Kick the crap out of them”

“I don’t give a crap who your parents are or where you come from. I give a crap about what you do and how you work.”

“Oh, you’re tired? I don’t give a crap!”

“You’re sore? I don’t give a crap!”

“Stop everything! Okay. Stand with your feet out as far as you can. Now, bend your head down between your legs as far as you can. Hold it.  Alright now stand up quickly and pull your heads out of your asses.”

To the freshman every year:
“You know who gives a crap about what you did last year across the street at the middle school? Nobody. Nobody, except maybe your mommy and your daddy. What matters is what you do from NOW through the next three years.”

“Don’t let someone sell you a bucket of crap by telling you it’s chocolate.”

“You know what I liked about that last play you guys just ran? Nothing. Nothing at all; it was pure crap.”

“You feeling okay this morning? You look like you must have gotten your money’s worth at the Crap Buffet last night.”

“Relax, son. You’re so nervous you couldn’t crap a mustard seed right now.”

Looking back one thing is certain, I am such an idiot.