“Hello, welcome to the Department of Homeland Security Emergency Phone System”
“I need to report……”
“Press 1 if you would like to donate to the DHS Holiday Party Fund”
“…an alien dog attack. Wha…?”
“Press 2 if you want to report the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden”
“AAARRRRGGHHHH!”
“Press 3 if you think our director’s name sounds like an ice cream flavor.”
“Well, it does, but I need to report an ALIEN DOG ATTACK in my house!”
“Press 4 if you think your neighbor’s gardener has ties to al Queda.”
“Holy Sweet Jesus!”
“Press 5 to vote in the daily DHS poll: Who is the more stylish 1st lady, Michelle Obama or Jackie Kennedy?”
“For real?”
“Press 6 to talk Espanol with DHS maintenance engineer Diego Rodriguez Miguel Juan Vizcano.”
“Por que?”
Press 7 to listen to new DHS theme song by Nashville recording artist Taylor Swift.”
“I think I will pass”
“Press 8 if you have a current extraterrestrial invasion on your domicile”
“8,8,8”
“Hello, Department of Presumed Extraterrestrial Invasions.”
“I need help immediately. It is a matter of national security. We are currently under siege from an alien attack dog.”
“I am sorry, sir. But at this time, we are unable to confirm or deny the existence of extraterrestrial beings”
“Didn’t you hear me? I have an alien attack dog with yellow laser beam eyes in my house and it just destroyed my TV!”
“I am sorry.”
“Aren’t you going to do anything?”
“Yes”
“Thank God!”
” I can give you a name. Phil’s Alien Extermination and Storage of Roswell, New Mexico. Phil comes well recommended to the DHS ”
“Your kidding.”
“Have a great day sir.”
We are on our own…
In the house, no one can hear you scream……
THE COACH HAYS 