Tag Archives: Alien Dog Attack

Post #400! The Alien Dog Attack Saga

Unbelievable! This is the 400th post on The Coach Hays Blog. Who knew so much stupidity could reside in one place? Certainly not me when I start this little shindig back in 2010. One of the first bits of stupidity was this serialized story called Alien Dog Attack. It all started with a picture and kept going driven by a single goal…to make my mother laugh. It worked.

For the 400th post, here’s Alien Dog Attack and links to the Parts 2-9. I just realized today I did not finish the story. There is no Part 10. I’ll work on it.

I’m also sharing this story in the celebration of the dog who inspired the story, our chocolate lab, Sophie. She passed away at a few weeks ago. She sat right next to me for the writing of most of these 400 posts. She gave the best writing advice, was a great sounding board, and she’ll be missed as old Coach Hays pushes forward to the next 400 posts.  As will the real Big Bad Bud, who was the baddest ass cat I’ve ever been around.

Alien Dog Attack #1

It’s here! Run and hide! The Hays house was invaded this afternoon. The mom was able to click a quick photo of the invader before we were forced to take deeper cover. We are currently fighting off the alien attacker from the dining room. We have lost the living room and the office already in the fight. Trying to battle the laser beam ocular weapon of the canine from outer space has proven most difficult. We just don’t have the weapons to hold out much longer…

 

Alien Dog Attack #2

Alien Dog Attack #3

Alien Dog Attack #4

Alien Dog Attack #5

Alien Dog Attack #6

Alien Dog Attack #7

Alien Dog Attack #8

Alien Dog Attack #9

 

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Alien Dog Attack Part 9

“Welcome to Shorty’s Ranch and Pet! How may I help you today?”

“Hello, Madge.  You’re in a fine mood today.  Get a raise or something?”

“Nope. Getting ready for Chick Days.  You know how I love Chick Days.” Madge leans to me and whispers. “My favorite part is that I get to take home the ones that don’t sell.  Madge’s Famous Friday Night Football Tailgate Chicken doesn’t happen by magic, you know!

“Yeah, yeah,” I answer.  “Shorty here?”

“I am right HERE!” a short bald head appears from behind the candy rack at the checkout counter. “What are you blind as well as stupid?”  He walks around the counter, swinging his rigid left leg along on each stride with his good right leg.  “How can Shorty’s Ranch and Pet be of service to you today, my simple-minded friend?”

“Shorty, I got a big problem?”

“And that’s supposed to be news to me?”

“Come on, Shorty.  This is serious.”  I follow him as he walks down the aisle toward the office.  I lower my voice “Shorty, I got an Alien Attack Dog with laser beam eyes at the house preparing for a full-scale alien dog invasion.  And, it has taken my kids hostage to keep me from trying to stop it.”

Shorty stops and looks back at me. “You are serious, aren’t you?”

“Yep”

He rubs his hand across his bald head. “You know, I have heard of these kinds of things, you know, through the Ranch and Pet industry chat groups.  But, I never thought anything like that would happen HERE. ” He shakes his head, “And it has those sweet darling children of your wife’s”

“I need some help fighting this thing, Shorty.”

“I hear you and I’m in.  What you thinking?”

“Well, the way I figure everything has a weakness, hasn’t it?   I was thinking, Achilles had his tendon, Napoleon had his Waterloo, The Wolf Man had silver bullets, Michael Jordan had baseball, Scooby-Doo had Scooby Snacks….then BANG it hit me like a rock!  Could the AAD share the same weakness with millions and millions of earth dogs, that insatiable desire for dog treats?  That’s when I hopped in the car and drove out here.”

“That is some pretty slick thinking, there.  Sounds a little crazy, but I think it might work.”  Shorty turns and limps to the pet aisle, his head bobbing up and down with each stride.  “Follow me, I think I have the planet’s perfect dog treat right here on my shelf.”

He hands me a bag.  I read the label “Science Diet Simple Essentials Chicken Flavored Dog Treats.”  I look down to Shorty.  “These good?”

“Dang straight these are good.  Dogs can’t resist them, well, at least earth dogs, that I know for sure.”

“Well, thanks, Shorty” I shake his hand and walk away. “Wish me luck.”

Shorty watches me walk back down toward the checkout counter. “Good luck and don’t worry”,  He pauses for a minute, looks toward Madge helping a customer in the garden tool section. “Madge will put that on your tab when she gets a chance.”

I shake my head and walk out the door, reading the label on the bag of Science Diet Simple Essentials Chicken Flavored Dog Treats, “Dogs can’t resist!”  I open the Nissan’s door and scan the skies,  “I sure hope they can’t…”

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Alien Dog Attack Part 8

What to do now? The Hays teenagers are held captive by the Alien Attack Dog (which, if you have teenagers, may not be the worse place in the world for them.  If we get out of this thing alive, I might have to borrow that gravity-rock-shackle-thingy).   Big Bad Bud has presented ridiculous demands for his “unique” services.  And the future of the world as we know it lies in the balance.  I close up Chucky the Wonder hamster’s exer-globe and, without thinking, toss it to the ground.  Big Bad Bud senses easy prey and shoots from the garage smack into the hamster globe, which rolls down the sidewalk, bounces off the fence and into the driveway.  With Bud in hot pursuit,  Chucky the Wonder Hamster regains his senses notices the killer feline bouncing after him and takes off running down the street in the plastic globe passing old Mrs. Johnson in her 1972 Pontiac Bonneville on Washington Street.   Well, at least that gets Bud and Chucky out of my hair for a few minutes so I can try to think of a way out of this impending doom.

Let me think…let me think…  Everything has a weakness, hasn’t it?   Achilles had his tendon, Napoleon had his Waterloo, The Wolf Man had silver bullets, Michael Jordan had baseball, Scooby-Doo had Scooby Snacks….wait a minute!  Could it be that easy?  Could the AAD share the same weakness with millions and millions of earth dogs, that insatiable desire for dog treats?  It could be the answer!  It went gaga over the green tennis ball, didn’t it?  Quickly, I jump into the 1992 Nissan and head to the Ranch and Pet to pick up what could be the answer mankind so desperately needs, Science Diet Dog Treats!

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Alien Dog Attack Part 7

As I sit on the back porch, contemplating the demands set forth by Big Bad Bud,  the hamster ball is thrown out the hole in the laser beam blown side of the house.  Chucky the Wonder Hamster rushes frantically around the back of the house in his exer-globe to find me.  Inside of the ball, (besides Chucky the Wonder Hamster, of course) I find a letter and photo enclosed…

Dear Human,
It was a grave error to contact the filthy, evil feline for assistance.  I have taken your humans as prisoners from the Hays House.  They young earthlings are currently safe and held under the gravitational shackles of the guardian stone.  Do not mistake those facial expressions for smiles of joy, they are facial expressions formed from the incredibly painful weight of the guardian stone.  They are being held in a secret location until you cease and desist communication with the filthy, evil feline and surrender your planet to the Wonder Dogs from Outer Space.  Do not attempt a rescue.  Do not attempt to call your human law enforcement or military representatives.  Their powers are worthless compared to the WonDogs.  Victory is inevitable, surrender your planet within 48 hours, or else…

Alien Attack Dog

T minus 48 hours and counting…


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Alien Dog Attack #6

Big Bad Bud looks at me sideways (with his good eye, that is).  I explain the danger we are in from the imminent attack of the planet by Alien Attack Dog (AAD) and the army of laser-beam-eye canines from outer space. I tell him of my plan to have him use his cat kill skills to take out the AAD.  Again he looks at me (with his good eye, that is), jumps down off my lap and bounds into the garage. He returns to the back porch in several minutes carrying a note (don’t ask, it’s Bud). I unfold the note and read.

I will agree to help rid the humans of that dirty, uncouth, smelly dog, if and only if, the following conditions are met.

1. Cut out the Best Choice Cat Food and mix in some Little Friskies or some Meow Mix already.

2. A bird feeder in the yard, stocked daily with the finest wild bird seed and placed at a height of no more than 2.5 feet off the ground.
3. Squirrel feeders on every tree in the neighborhood.

Whoa, Bud!  #1 is do-able.  #2 a maybe, but 2.5 feet off the ground? Come on, Bud…at least give yourself a challenge.  #3, what the heck, Bud?

As intimidating as the AAD is, I have to think on these. I can’t imagine the backlash from the animal kingdom if I agree to these terms. Oh, boy…

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Alien Dog Attack #4

“Hello, welcome to the Department of Homeland Security Emergency Phone System”

“I need to report……”

“Press 1 if you would like to donate to the DHS Holiday Party Fund”

“…an alien dog attack.  Wha…?”

“Press 2 if you want to report the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden”

“AAARRRRGGHHHH!”

“Press 3 if you think our director’s name sounds like an ice cream flavor.”

“Well, it does, but I need to report an ALIEN DOG ATTACK in my house!”

“Press 4 if you think your neighbor’s gardener has ties to al Queda.”

“Holy Sweet Jesus!”

“Press 5 to vote in the daily DHS poll: Who is the more stylish 1st lady, Michelle Obama or Jackie Kennedy?”

“For real?”

“Press 6 to talk Espanol with DHS maintenance engineer Diego Rodriguez Miguel Juan Vizcano.”

“Por que?”

Press 7 to listen to new DHS theme song by Nashville recording artist Taylor Swift.”

“I think I will pass”

“Press 8 if you have a current extraterrestrial invasion on your domicile”

“8,8,8”

“Hello, Department of Presumed Extraterrestrial Invasions.”

“I need help immediately.  It is a matter of national security.  We are currently under siege from an alien attack dog.”

“I am sorry, sir.  But at this time, we are unable to confirm or deny the existence of extraterrestrial beings”

“Didn’t you hear me? I have an alien attack dog with yellow laser beam eyes in my house and it just destroyed my TV!”

“I am sorry.”

“Aren’t you going to do anything?”

“Yes”

“Thank God!”

” I can give you a name.  Phil’s Alien Extermination and Storage of Roswell, New Mexico.  Phil comes well recommended to the DHS ”

“Your kidding.”

“Have a great day sir.”

We are on our own…

In the house, no one can hear you scream……

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Alien Dog Attack #3

So the yellow-green tennis ball has worked to keep the AAD busy for the last 30 minutes in the living room.  The AAD is starting to wear down.  It looks like it is getting very drowsy.  We use the remote to remotely turn the TV to some nice relaxing music on CMT.  The AAD climbs on the captain’s chair (my favorite chair!)  and slowly fades into a happy slumber.  Me and Kid2 and Kid3 tiptoe into the living room to capture the AAD while it sleeps.  Things could not be working out any more perfect.  But, just as we get within a first down of the AAD, Taylor Swift comes on the CMT.  You know the song, yeah, that song, the one that sounds like all the other songs, the one that plays somewhere constantly in the Swift Time-Space Continuum.  Well, the AAD jolts out of its sleep, sits up in the captain’s chair and eyeball laser beams Taylor Swift AND my TV into oblivion!   AAAHHHHH!!!!!!!  Run away!  Run away!  We retreat back into the dining room as the AAD reestablishes its position.  I think it is time to call in the big boys, the federales.

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