Tag Archives: Sports Parenting

Transitions

I recently sat with a friend for a few peaceful minutes at our grandsons’ t-ball game. It was classic 4-6-year-old baseball. Bat hits the ball (after several violent swings with the bat knocking over just the tee) and it rolls across the infield. None of the dozen or so defenders in the field are paying attention because military helicopters are maneuvering in the airspace over town. Defying all laws of friction and physics, the ball rolls all the way to the outfield grass. Upon verbal prodding from the coaches, a group of defenders races to the ball and devolve into a scrum fighting over who gets to throw the ball to first base. One player eventually wrestles control of the ball and throws it within a city block of first base while another melts into tears in the outfield because that was “my ball”. The first baseman chases down the ball after verbal prodding from the coaches and launches it in the general direction of home plate where the next batter is waiting. (Thank God for backstops!) 

The process is repeated until every batter on both teams has batted three times and then the teams line up, shake hands, and sprint to the dugout where the postgame treats are waiting.

A nearby parent mentioned to me how her husband, who is helping to coach one of the t-ball teams playing, privately mentioned to her how the way his kid and the others play drives him crazy. I laughed and agreed. I told her it was all about transitions. It’s the steps one has to go through to learn something new. Sports, or any other endeavor, are about improving through a series of transitions. We can also call it “leveling up”.  

It’s the Fail Cycle. Try something. Fail. Step back. Evaluate. Work hard. Try again. Repeat until successful. Try something harder. 

In baseball, there are transitions.

  1. No idea how to play the game to the t-ball basics.
  2. T-ball basics to coach or machine pitch.
  3. Coach or machine pitch to kid pitch. A (HUGE transition landmark that can be very frustrating to watch and has been known to burn the eyeballs of the fans.)
  4. Kid pitch to full-on competitive baseball.
  5. The challenging transitions as one progresses up the competitive baseball ladder. 

One of the harsh realities of sports is you work through the transitions to level up or you don’t and stagnate. These transitions get progressively harder and often become the point where individuals quit playing the game. Middle school to high school to college to the minor leagues to the major leagues all involve challenging transition periods for the athlete. 

Transition periods are always challenging and rarely things of beauty.   

As an adult or advanced player in any sport, it’s often frustrating to coach or parent inexperienced individuals. There’s often an assumption the kids know what they should be doing. As adults on the other end of the playing rainbow arc, the exit side, we often forget that kids beginning their journey on the entry side don’t know what we know and can’t do what we do. They’re on the uphill side of that playing arc, with emphasis on uphill, looking and searching for handholds and footholds to move upward and onward in their playing career. These handholds and footholds often take time for each individual to find.

They need a guide through the transitions. That is where coaches and parents do their work. That’s where instead of frustration, you teach and encourage. You work to develop and perfect the developmental skills of the game. The parent and coach must nurture trust and drive in each individual. 

You must listen and trust their judgment and decisions while only gently nudging when absolutely necessary. This is important because they need to have the agency and freedom to pursue their dreams as far as they want to go with them. The higher the leveling up goes, the more it requires hard work, sacrifice, and risk to reach the next handhold on the steepest developmental slope where competition is most fierce. 

Moral of the story. Next time you’re at a beginner-level event, whether sports, music, art, etc., remember this particular event is an early transition, not a finished and polished product. Enjoy the ride because tomorrow’s performance is often better than today’s, even if today’s performance consisted of 50 pitches with only 12 of those being close enough to home plate to be called a strike. 

Celebrate the baby steps. Transitions are just part of any journey.

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A Privilege or a Right?

There are things bigger than sports.

Hard for some of us to believe perhaps, but it’s the truth.

Sports in high school are called extracurricular activities for a reason. They are activities students have the option to do outside of the classroom. They are not required. They are not the reasons our high schools exist. They are voluntary. Students aren’t entitled to participate in these activities.

There was a local incident this past fall where a student-athlete got into legal trouble but was still allowed to participate in an extracurricular activity. The situation was called out in public and it caused quite a heated debate in our community. I don’t know all the details, I don’t need to know all the details. What I know is there are a defined set of rules and consequences the school district put in place back around 2007-2008 to deal with these types of issues. However, in this case, it doesn’t appear to the outside observer these rules and consequences were enforced. 

One crucial piece was left out of the discussion and ensuing arguments, though. Extracurricular activities are privileges, not rights. Students who operate within the rules and expectations earn the privilege to participate. Students who fail to operate within the rules and expectations do not. They are not entitled to participate independently of their behavior. 

Being able to play a high school sport is earned. 

This type of behavior problem is something that has been around as long as there have been high school sports. I dealt with it as a player. I dealt with it as a coach. Teenagers don’t always make good decisions. When they fail to make good decisions, especially ones contrary to the rules, they should have to suffer the consequences. 

We, as parents, coaches, and administrators, don’t do our athletes any good to look the other way. We don’t help them to become responsible and productive citizens/team members by ignoring or selectively enforcing the rules. It’s not fair to the student-athlete involved or to their teammates. Part of our job as the adults in these situations is to help our young people make better decisions and show them the value of earning the privilege to participate. 

Personally, my philosophy in dealing with kids who get into trouble is to guide them through their punishment and make them earn their way back into the trust of their teammates and coaches. We used to have a hell-ish series of physical challenges the player would have to complete to go along with their game/event suspension. Once they served their punishment, all was good. They earned their way back. Their teammates saw firsthand the road to redemption the player traveled and, in the end, we were a stronger team because of it. 

We’ve seemed to have lost sight that extracurricular activities are privileges.

We’ve seemed to have lost perspective of the true endgame of high school.

There truly are things bigger than sports.

And that’s the damn truth.

Clay Center @ Abilene 2009. Photo credit: Logan Hays

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Red Beans, Rice, and Teenage Stupidity

Parents of teenagers, it’s midsummer and there’s a decent chance your teenage children might be on the edge of driving you mad. Teenagers have a knack for that. However, I’m here to tell you it’s perfectly normal not only for you to feel like blowing your lid but for teenagers to act with head-scratching stupidity. This is particularly true in the summertime. School’s out, no need to use all the brain at any given time, right? 

This will pass. Teenagers and the inherent behavior that defies all logic passes. Trust me. Despite being considered an average, well-adjusted adult of almost 58 years by most of society’s standards, I was once deeply entrenched in the world of teenage stupidity.

I was reminded of this tonight when I opened the pantry door. Staring at me from eye level was a can of red beans next to a box of rice. It immediately took me back to the winter of 1979 when I was a sophomore in high school. I went out one Saturday night with two senior linemen from the football team, Bruce and Ivan. These two guys, along with the other offensive linemen from that previous fall, were my idols. Man, those guys could block like SOBs. I tried to emulate what they did and how they went about their business. They were big, athletic, smart, and ornery as hell. My kind of people.

On this particular Saturday night, there was nothing to do. It was one of those dark and cold Kansas winter nights where there’s not a whole hell of a lot going on. We drove around and hit all the hangout spots which, just a few months ago, would have been packed with high school kids celebrating beautiful autumn nights. Each hangout was abandoned to the frigid elements. Bruce said, “You know what we should do?” I looked at him skeptically. Ivan shook his head expecting something which may or may not end up getting us in trouble. “We should make red beans and rice.”

Ivan looked at him sideways and said with his Polish accent, “You mean like the New Orleans red beans and rice? Cajun food?”

“That’s the one.”

I had no clue what they were talking about. I’m from a large Irish/Croatian Catholic family and my dad was a meat and potatoes guy by nature. Italian food and tacos were about as exotic as the Hays family went.  Red beans and rice could have been from Mars and I wouldn’t have known any better. Being the youngest member of the trio, though, I was allowed to ask stupid questions. “Bruce, do you know how to make these red beans and rice?”

“Of course I do. How hard can it be? Red beans and rice. The recipe is right there in the name.”

I shrugged. Ivan shrugged. Sounded logical enough.

Bruce pulled into the nearest grocery store, hopped out of the car, and jogged through the frigid air to the front door. In a few minutes, the automatic door opened, and out he came carrying one brown paper grocery sack with a huge smile on his face. He tossed the sack onto my lap in the back seat. I looked inside. One box of rice and two cans of red beans. Bruce put the car in reverse. “I hope you boys are hungry.”

Now, when you’re hanging out with Bubbas, hunger level never needs to be asked or addressed. With Bubbas, hunger is assumed. With visions of a Cajun delicacy dancing through my head, we drove to Ivan’s house for culinary magic. A boring Saturday night just took a 180° turn for the better.

Bruce carefully measured the water to boil and Ivan took care of prepping the proper amounts of rice from the box. I was in charge of the red beans. Two cans. No problem. My can opener skills were well-honed from years of kitchen duty and the red beans were soon ready. The rice cooked on the stove as we talked with lame, southern Louisianan accents while watching puffs of steam occasionally rise from under the pot lid. 

Images of Mardi Gras, one of the few things I knew about New Orleans or Cajun life, danced in my head. A subzero winter night in Kansas City morphed into a parade down Bourbon Street. Now all we needed to complete the vibe was just about ready. Red beans and rice.

Bruce’s watch timer dinged and he dumped the red beans into the rice pot. He stirred and covered the pot again. “Ivan, get out the plates while these beans warm up.” 

With everything ready, healthy portions were dished out. Bruce took a bite. Ivan took a bite. I took a bite. There were no colorful dancers, no jazz bands, no beads being tossed. Instead of a Cajun flavor explosion, our red beans and rice tasted like a chunk of Bourbon Street pavement. Ugh. Not good. 

Our red beans and rice tasted exactly like red beans and white rice. Duh. Who knew a spicy, Cajun dish would actually need…spices? Idiots. 

I still enjoy a good laugh forty-plus years later thinking about this act of teenage stupidity. In the ensuing years, I’ve discovered how awesome authentic red beans and rice are, especially the red beans and rice they used to serve at the Hibachi Hut in Manhattan’s Aggieville. As far as making further attempts to cook red beans and rice, I’ll leave that to my wife, Zatarain’s, or professionals for now. Maybe one of these days, I’ll recover from youthful stupidity and give homemade red beans and rice a shot. With spices this time, for damn sure!

Parents with teenagers who are currently doing ridiculous things, take a deep breath. Count to ten. Smile at your teenage offspring and envision a day when they too will be productive adults. All things must pass. And remember, it’s perfectly normal to laugh hysterically on the inside as you visualize the possibility the ridiculous teenager standing in front of you attempting to explain some recent head-scratching behavior may one day have teenagers of their own. 

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New Year, New You (Sports Parent Edition)

Oh, parents, we are ruining youth sports. 

Every level.

Everywhere.

Every day.

The adults are making the players not want to play, coaches to not want to coach, and officials not want to officiate anymore. That’s sad, people. 

I don’t know all the reasons. I don’t know all the justifications behind the behaviors. I just know we adults are strangling youth sports by making them into something they are not…mini professional sports.

Fixing this requires a fresh approach at the grassroots of the youth sports system. Changing parent behavior. 

New year, new sports-parenting outlook.

The Three Breathe Rule.

  1. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “Follow my kids lead.” Breathe out.
  2. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “I can’t want this more than my kid does.” Breathe out.
  3. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “It’s a game.” Breathe out.

Repeat as needed until your focus is back on the important task at hand, being your child’s biggest fan.

The Three Breathe Rules

“Follow my kids lead.” 

Pay attention to what your child is doing. If they are having a good time and enjoying the sport, let them. If they are not having a good time nor enjoying the sport, let them find one they will enjoy and have a good time playing. The future success we all dream about for our kids will only happen in a positive fashion if the kid develops the internal drive to do the work.

“I can’t want this more than my kid does.”

This is a big one. It’s not about you. Swallow your ego. Place your pride in Johnny someday winning the Super Bowl into a trunk, lock it, and bury it six feet underground. If by chance, Johnny does someday win the Super Bowl, you can dig up that trunk and display your pride for the whole world to see. Until then, don’t add the pressure of ungodly expectations upon your young athlete. 

“It’s a game.”

No need for explanations here. It is what it is. A game. 

These three rules helped me through years of coaching baseball and football and youth basketball. I think they can also help a parent enjoy the youth sports process while their kids enjoy participating in them. At least that’s my hope for the future. I love youth sports. From the playground to the sandlot to the driveway to the local stadiums and fields, sports are great and awesome things. Let’s not ruin them.

If you’re having trouble as a sports parent, I understand. I’ve been a bad and a good sports parent. We’ve all made mistakes. Let’s work in 2020 to make fewer sport-parent mistakes. 

New year, new you. We can do this.

If you missed part one of this series, New Year, New You (Coaching Edition), you can find it here.

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt via Wikimedia Commons.

 

 

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#Coachism101: Character

It’s been a tough few weeks to be a Kansas City Chiefs fan. One of my greatest sources of pride in being a fan of this organization is, for the most part, that it’s been run the right way. With character and class. There have been a few instances in the past where they’ve gotten away from this cornerstone of the Hunt Family, but these situations were usually dealt with and corrected. Situations where they’ve brought in questionable character, things went south as things are predicted in these situations, and then the organization made changes.

As we sit on the heels of Marcus Peters, Kareem Hunt, and now Tyreek Hill, it is time once again for the Hunt Family to make changes in their operations. Listening last week to the emotion and frustration in the Johnson County’s DA in his press conference about dropping charges against Mr. Hill and his fiance was difficult. That paled in comparison to the sickening feeling a few days later when KCTV5 released the audio tape of Hill and his fiance talking about their child. Chiefs need to make organizational changes now. There are things more important than winning.

I could rant at length about the character decisions the Chiefs have made over the past few years in the name of winning. I’ll spare the rant, though, in favor of a couple of coachisms from the past.

 

“Nothing you do on the field can make up for being crap off the field.”

 

“I’d rather lose with character than win with criminal.”

 

Coaches and parents, talk to your athletes about these situations when they arise. Hold your athletes to the expectation for them to be good human beings above good athletes.

Sports are bigger than winning.

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#ThatSportsParent

One of the scourges of modern youth sports is out-of-line parents. The headlines are full of incidents involving overzealous parents. Odds are, each of us can pinpoint an incident of ugly parent behavior at a sports event no matter how small a town we live in. It’s threatening the very existence of youth sports and, more importantly, taking the FUN out of the game.

But when is it okay to get involved as a parent?

“So what happens when you’re the parent that yells for your own son (good but not the star) to sit so that a few of the others on the team can get some playing time because you’re up by 10 to a way lesser team? ”

Somebody I respect greatly asked me the above question a few weeks ago. It’s a tough question to answer, but I’ll give it a try. I’ll try to answer from a coach’s perspective and try to wall off my parental perspective because Lord knows, I’ve screwed up many times on that side of this issue. I’ve been there. I’ve felt the parental frustration seep its way into my competitive fire in less than positive ways.

So, here’s my personal philosophy on sports parenting and complaints.

First and foremost, a parent should be their kid’s biggest fan, not be their sports agent. There are truly legitimate situations in which a parent should intervene on behalf of their sports child. Physical, mental, or emotional abuse from either other players or from coaches should be reported immediately. In these situations, the parent needs to be the bulldog, the protector, and jump in and refuse to back down until a resolution is achieved.

But sports parents, listen up…Depth chart and playing time and play calling probably do not fall into this category of necessary parental intervention.

I’ve always felt there are three things every parent needs to do before they get involved. They are not easy to do. A parent needs patience and the ability to wall off emotion in this context.

  1. Observe the situation from an honest viewpoint.
  2. Be honest. This can be soooo hard, especially if you have those visions of your kid being the best thing since sliced bread. Step back and take an honest look at where your kid’s talent falls in respect to the other kids.
  3. Allow your kid to handle the simple situations. Have them find out from the coach or other players where they sit and develop a plan to get better.

My playing time thoughts depend on the level of play. If it’s a varsity high school level of competition, I believe in playing as few, or as many, players as necessary for the situation. We want to be highly competitive at the varsity level. We also want to balance player/program development, situational skills we may need to groom for later use, and get game reps with new plays or skills.

The developmental level of competition, middle school, freshman, junior varsity is where I like to play everyone as equally as possible during a game. Sure, the goal is still to win the contest, but we need EVERYONE in the program learning how to do their job in order to achieve success as a team. The game situation is where we can identify individual or team areas for improvement while gaining experience. The future, both the near future or the far future, carries a higher priority at the developmental level than winning or losing. (The developmental level is where many parents allow the basic purpose to slip away and the emotions to pressurize.)

Finally, there is the private or club sports environment. This area has grown by leaps and bounds over the past decade. My only advice right now for parents in these situations is as follows:

If you, as a parent, are unhappy with a club situation, whether playing time, depth chart, game management or practice management, then I suggest talking with your kid about the situation. If it bothers your kid and/or the other kids on the team, then schedule a meeting with the coach.

Schedule this meeting at a neutral emotion time (NOT before, after, or during a game, a practice, or in a public setting.). Meet with the goal being to solve the problem, not create new problems.

If you are unhappy with the outcomes of this meeting, I suggest moving to a new situation for the next season.

If you are unhappy seek a viable alternative or take advantage of alternative solutions that are presented to you. Don’t spread your misery. Sports are too much fun to be blanketed in this negativity.

Sports can teach kids a lot about life. Allow them to learn. Allow them to develop. Allow them to understand being part of the whole is better than trying to be the whole part.

Give them the opportunity.

most-annoying-sports-parents.jpg

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Gladly Eat Crow

Dear Sports Parent,

Your kid will not turn pro. Your kid will be very fortunate to even get an opportunity to play in college.

The numbers do not lie.

  • Baseball: 11.6% of college players play professionally, 0.6% of high school players do.
  • Football: 1.7% of college players play professionally, 0.08% of high school players do.
  • Men’s basketball: 1.2% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do.

…And for women, the numbers are just as bad, or even worse.

  • Women’s basketball: 0.9% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do.

(Numbers from Business Insider. They note these numbers may be a little low since they include only professional opportunities in the United State, but as they say, “But either way, the chances are really, really small.)

I will gladly eat crow if your particular child overcomes the statistics. I will gladly celebrate a kid who has the drive and tenacity, perseverance and discipline, to do what it takes all day, every day to make the above scenarios come true.

Who wouldn’t want to see it?

No matter, follow this advice on being a sports parent Coach Paul Lane put into our team handbook for the football parents. He is a wise man.

  • Be your child’s biggest fan.
  • They don’t need you as a personal trainer.
  • They don’t need you as a personal coach.
  • They don’t need you as their agent.
  • They  need you to be their biggest fan.

Support.

Lift.

Drive.

Feed.

Care.

Do these things because they are your kid and they need your support. It needs to be all about them, not about you.

Show them the joy of playing sports.

Share with them the joy of sports.

Show them an appreciation for hard work.

Show them you appreciate their team work.

This parent/child relationship is the most important (and most undervalued) relationship in sports.

Be your kid’s biggest fan. Please.

sports parent list

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