Tag Archives: Sports Parenting

New Year, New You (Sports Parent Edition)

Oh, parents, we are ruining youth sports. 

Every level.

Everywhere.

Every day.

The adults are making the players not want to play, coaches to not want to coach, and officials not want to officiate anymore. That’s sad, people. 

I don’t know all the reasons. I don’t know all the justifications behind the behaviors. I just know we adults are strangling youth sports by making them into something they are not…mini professional sports.

Fixing this requires a fresh approach at the grassroots of the youth sports system. Changing parent behavior. 

New year, new sports-parenting outlook.

The Three Breathe Rule.

  1. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “Follow my kids lead.” Breathe out.
  2. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “I can’t want this more than my kid does.” Breathe out.
  3. Breathe in. Tell yourself, “It’s a game.” Breathe out.

Repeat as needed until your focus is back on the important task at hand, being your child’s biggest fan.

The Three Breathe Rules

“Follow my kids lead.” 

Pay attention to what your child is doing. If they are having a good time and enjoying the sport, let them. If they are not having a good time nor enjoying the sport, let them find one they will enjoy and have a good time playing. The future success we all dream about for our kids will only happen in a positive fashion if the kid develops the internal drive to do the work.

“I can’t want this more than my kid does.”

This is a big one. It’s not about you. Swallow your ego. Place your pride in Johnny someday winning the Super Bowl into a trunk, lock it, and bury it six feet underground. If by chance, Johnny does someday win the Super Bowl, you can dig up that trunk and display your pride for the whole world to see. Until then, don’t add the pressure of ungodly expectations upon your young athlete. 

“It’s a game.”

No need for explanations here. It is what it is. A game. 

These three rules helped me through years of coaching baseball and football and youth basketball. I think they can also help a parent enjoy the youth sports process while their kids enjoy participating in them. At least that’s my hope for the future. I love youth sports. From the playground to the sandlot to the driveway to the local stadiums and fields, sports are great and awesome things. Let’s not ruin them.

If you’re having trouble as a sports parent, I understand. I’ve been a bad and a good sports parent. We’ve all made mistakes. Let’s work in 2020 to make fewer sport-parent mistakes. 

New year, new you. We can do this.

If you missed part one of this series, New Year, New You (Coaching Edition), you can find it here.

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt via Wikimedia Commons.

 

 

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#Coachism101: Character

It’s been a tough few weeks to be a Kansas City Chiefs fan. One of my greatest sources of pride in being a fan of this organization is, for the most part, that it’s been run the right way. With character and class. There have been a few instances in the past where they’ve gotten away from this cornerstone of the Hunt Family, but these situations were usually dealt with and corrected. Situations where they’ve brought in questionable character, things went south as things are predicted in these situations, and then the organization made changes.

As we sit on the heels of Marcus Peters, Kareem Hunt, and now Tyreek Hill, it is time once again for the Hunt Family to make changes in their operations. Listening last week to the emotion and frustration in the Johnson County’s DA in his press conference about dropping charges against Mr. Hill and his fiance was difficult. That paled in comparison to the sickening feeling a few days later when KCTV5 released the audio tape of Hill and his fiance talking about their child. Chiefs need to make organizational changes now. There are things more important than winning.

I could rant at length about the character decisions the Chiefs have made over the past few years in the name of winning. I’ll spare the rant, though, in favor of a couple of coachisms from the past.

 

“Nothing you do on the field can make up for being crap off the field.”

 

“I’d rather lose with character than win with criminal.”

 

Coaches and parents, talk to your athletes about these situations when they arise. Hold your athletes to the expectation for them to be good human beings above good athletes.

Sports are bigger than winning.

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#ThatSportsParent

One of the scourges of modern youth sports is out-of-line parents. The headlines are full of incidents involving overzealous parents. Odds are, each of us can pinpoint an incident of ugly parent behavior at a sports event no matter how small a town we live in. It’s threatening the very existence of youth sports and, more importantly, taking the FUN out of the game.

But when is it okay to get involved as a parent?

“So what happens when you’re the parent that yells for your own son (good but not the star) to sit so that a few of the others on the team can get some playing time because you’re up by 10 to a way lesser team? ”

Somebody I respect greatly asked me the above question a few weeks ago. It’s a tough question to answer, but I’ll give it a try. I’ll try to answer from a coach’s perspective and try to wall off my parental perspective because Lord knows, I’ve screwed up many times on that side of this issue. I’ve been there. I’ve felt the parental frustration seep its way into my competitive fire in less than positive ways.

So, here’s my personal philosophy on sports parenting and complaints.

First and foremost, a parent should be their kid’s biggest fan, not be their sports agent. There are truly legitimate situations in which a parent should intervene on behalf of their sports child. Physical, mental, or emotional abuse from either other players or from coaches should be reported immediately. In these situations, the parent needs to be the bulldog, the protector, and jump in and refuse to back down until a resolution is achieved.

But sports parents, listen up…Depth chart and playing time and play calling probably do not fall into this category of necessary parental intervention.

I’ve always felt there are three things every parent needs to do before they get involved. They are not easy to do. A parent needs patience and the ability to wall off emotion in this context.

  1. Observe the situation from an honest viewpoint.
  2. Be honest. This can be soooo hard, especially if you have those visions of your kid being the best thing since sliced bread. Step back and take an honest look at where your kid’s talent falls in respect to the other kids.
  3. Allow your kid to handle the simple situations. Have them find out from the coach or other players where they sit and develop a plan to get better.

My playing time thoughts depend on the level of play. If it’s a varsity high school level of competition, I believe in playing as few, or as many, players as necessary for the situation. We want to be highly competitive at the varsity level. We also want to balance player/program development, situational skills we may need to groom for later use, and get game reps with new plays or skills.

The developmental level of competition, middle school, freshman, junior varsity is where I like to play everyone as equally as possible during a game. Sure, the goal is still to win the contest, but we need EVERYONE in the program learning how to do their job in order to achieve success as a team. The game situation is where we can identify individual or team areas for improvement while gaining experience. The future, both the near future or the far future, carries a higher priority at the developmental level than winning or losing. (The developmental level is where many parents allow the basic purpose to slip away and the emotions to pressurize.)

Finally, there is the private or club sports environment. This area has grown by leaps and bounds over the past decade. My only advice right now for parents in these situations is as follows:

If you, as a parent, are unhappy with a club situation, whether playing time, depth chart, game management or practice management, then I suggest talking with your kid about the situation. If it bothers your kid and/or the other kids on the team, then schedule a meeting with the coach.

Schedule this meeting at a neutral emotion time (NOT before, after, or during a game, a practice, or in a public setting.). Meet with the goal being to solve the problem, not create new problems.

If you are unhappy with the outcomes of this meeting, I suggest moving to a new situation for the next season.

If you are unhappy seek a viable alternative or take advantage of alternative solutions that are presented to you. Don’t spread your misery. Sports are too much fun to be blanketed in this negativity.

Sports can teach kids a lot about life. Allow them to learn. Allow them to develop. Allow them to understand being part of the whole is better than trying to be the whole part.

Give them the opportunity.

most-annoying-sports-parents.jpg

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Gladly Eat Crow

Dear Sports Parent,

Your kid will not turn pro. Your kid will be very fortunate to even get an opportunity to play in college.

The numbers do not lie.

  • Baseball: 11.6% of college players play professionally, 0.6% of high school players do.
  • Football: 1.7% of college players play professionally, 0.08% of high school players do.
  • Men’s basketball: 1.2% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do.

…And for women, the numbers are just as bad, or even worse.

  • Women’s basketball: 0.9% of college players play professionally, 0.03% of high school players do.

(Numbers from Business Insider. They note these numbers may be a little low since they include only professional opportunities in the United State, but as they say, “But either way, the chances are really, really small.)

I will gladly eat crow if your particular child overcomes the statistics. I will gladly celebrate a kid who has the drive and tenacity, perseverance and discipline, to do what it takes all day, every day to make the above scenarios come true.

Who wouldn’t want to see it?

No matter, follow this advice on being a sports parent Coach Paul Lane put into our team handbook for the football parents. He is a wise man.

  • Be your child’s biggest fan.
  • They don’t need you as a personal trainer.
  • They don’t need you as a personal coach.
  • They don’t need you as their agent.
  • They  need you to be their biggest fan.

Support.

Lift.

Drive.

Feed.

Care.

Do these things because they are your kid and they need your support. It needs to be all about them, not about you.

Show them the joy of playing sports.

Share with them the joy of sports.

Show them an appreciation for hard work.

Show them you appreciate their team work.

This parent/child relationship is the most important (and most undervalued) relationship in sports.

Be your kid’s biggest fan. Please.

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