As I sit on the back porch, contemplating the demands set forth by Big Bad Bud, the hamster ball is thrown out the hole in the laser beam blown side of the house. Chucky the Wonder Hamster rushes frantically around the back of the house in his exer-globe to find me. Inside of the ball, (besides Chucky the Wonder Hamster, of course) I find a letter and photo enclosed…
Dear Human,
It was a grave error to contact the filthy, evil feline for assistance. I have taken your humans as prisoners from the Hays House. They young earthlings are currently safe and held under the gravitational shackles of the guardian stone. Do not mistake those facial expressions for smiles of joy, they are facial expressions formed from the incredibly painful weight of the guardian stone. They are being held in a secret location until you cease and desist communication with the filthy, evil feline and surrender your planet to the Wonder Dogs from Outer Space. Do not attempt a rescue. Do not attempt to call your human law enforcement or military representatives. Their powers are worthless compared to the WonDogs. Victory is inevitable, surrender your planet within 48 hours, or else…
Alien Attack Dog
T minus 48 hours and counting…
THE COACH HAYS 
Perhaps you might offer one of those loaves of frozen proviticas you are hoarding in your freezer as ransom to the AAD for those poor helpless children. The AAD might just jump at that offer.
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What loaves of frozen poviticia do you speak of, dear mother? I categorically deny their existence. Plus, that is an AWFULLY high price to pay for an ransom.
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Well Michael, I am surprised at you. Your Father and I would have even given up “The Whale” for ransom if it had been one of our children.
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Yes, Mother, the only reason you would have given somebody the Whale would have been if they would have agreed to take the six kids IN it.
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