“Welcome to Shorty’s Ranch and Pet! How may I help you today?”
“Hello, Madge. You’re in a fine mood today. Get a raise or something?”
“Nope. Getting ready for Chick Days. You know how I love Chick Days.” Madge leans to me and whispers. “My favorite part is that I get to take home the ones that don’t sell. Madge’s Famous Friday Night Football Tailgate Chicken doesn’t happen by magic, you know!
“Yeah, yeah,” I answer. “Shorty here?”
“I am right HERE!” a short bald head appears from behind the candy rack at the checkout counter. “What are you blind as well as stupid?” He walks around the counter, swinging his rigid left leg along on each stride with his good right leg. “How can Shorty’s Ranch and Pet be of service to you today, my simple-minded friend?”
“Shorty, I got a big problem?”
“And that’s supposed to be news to me?”
“Come on, Shorty. This is serious.” I follow him as he walks down the aisle toward the office. I lower my voice “Shorty, I got an Alien Attack Dog with laser beam eyes at the house preparing for a full-scale alien dog invasion. And, it has taken my kids hostage to keep me from trying to stop it.”
Shorty stops and looks back at me. “You are serious, aren’t you?”
“Yep”
He rubs his hand across his bald head. “You know, I have heard of these kinds of things, you know, through the Ranch and Pet industry chat groups. But, I never thought anything like that would happen HERE. ” He shakes his head, “And it has those sweet darling children of your wife’s”
“I need some help fighting this thing, Shorty.”
“I hear you and I’m in. What you thinking?”
“Well, the way I figure everything has a weakness, hasn’t it? I was thinking, Achilles had his tendon, Napoleon had his Waterloo, The Wolf Man had silver bullets, Michael Jordan had baseball, Scooby-Doo had Scooby Snacks….then BANG it hit me like a rock! Could the AAD share the same weakness with millions and millions of earth dogs, that insatiable desire for dog treats? That’s when I hopped in the car and drove out here.”
“That is some pretty slick thinking, there. Sounds a little crazy, but I think it might work.” Shorty turns and limps to the pet aisle, his head bobbing up and down with each stride. “Follow me, I think I have the planet’s perfect dog treat right here on my shelf.”
He hands me a bag. I read the label “Science Diet Simple Essentials Chicken Flavored Dog Treats.” I look down to Shorty. “These good?”
“Dang straight these are good. Dogs can’t resist them, well, at least earth dogs, that I know for sure.”
“Well, thanks, Shorty” I shake his hand and walk away. “Wish me luck.”
Shorty watches me walk back down toward the checkout counter. “Good luck and don’t worry”, He pauses for a minute, looks toward Madge helping a customer in the garden tool section. “Madge will put that on your tab when she gets a chance.”
I shake my head and walk out the door, reading the label on the bag of Science Diet Simple Essentials Chicken Flavored Dog Treats, “Dogs can’t resist!” I open the Nissan’s door and scan the skies, “I sure hope they can’t…”
THE COACH HAYS 